The Backyard Critters – Downtown Meeting

by Roy Harris

Black Labrador, Raccoon, Possum, Blue Jay, Robin, Chipmunk, Pigeon, Cat, Pug Nose Dog, Rabbit, Squirrel, Crow, Ground hog, Field Mouse and introducing Ms. Miniature Schnauzer and Rev. Night Owl.

Last time on the Critters:

The Backyard Critters held their monthly meeting in Mr. Harris’ backyard. In December, the gang decided to move this month’s meeting to downtown Asheville.

Ms. Black Lab presided over the meeting, and she thanked everyone for coming together on such short notice. She announced that this was not an ordinary meeting, but assured Mr. Blue Jay that there was an agenda. However, the agenda doesn’t matter because as usual, the critters usually veer off course during most of the meetings.



MS. BLACK LAB:
Has anybody seen Ms. Field Mouse?


MR. POSSUM (Raises his hand):

I got a joke.
Two brothas were bragging and one said to the other ‘I’m going to the
sun’, and the other brotha spoke up and said, ‘You fool, you’re going
to burn up!’ The brotha responded, ‘I got you there. I’m going at
night!’


Ms. Black Lab shook her head and cleared her throat


MS. BLACK LAB:

Fellow Critters,
let’s get on with the meeting. We thank Mr. Possum for that
enlightening joke! Moving along, I invited two new members to the
meeting. Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you, Rev. Night Owl, and
Ms. Miniature Schnauzer. They are not native to the area, but they may
have something to offer.


CAT:

Hi, my name is Cat, Esq., and I run thing around here. If you need anything, you come and see me! Here’s my card.


GROUND HOG:

Dream on, you wish! Would somebody please tell him that his mess stanks too!


REV. NIGHT OWL:

Madame Chairman,
I think we need a prayer. Could we pray please? ‘God, a few of your
critters have gathered again to carry on your business. We ask that you
come into our meeting to guide and enlighten us so that we will make
the right decisions and see things the way they are, and not the way we
want them to be. Let us remember all fellow critters in our
deliberations. Amen!’


CROW:

I want to know
who in the heck changed the time and place for the meeting? I went to
our regular meeting place in Mr. Harris’ backyard and no one was there!
Then I asked around, and the squirrel told me that the meeting was
downtown! Do you all realize that the traffic on Broadway Avenue is
heavy during time of day? It took me 15 minutes to get across the
street! Whose dumb idea was it to put up speed humps at a roundabout?
It took me 30 minutes to figure it out! This definitely deserve a nod
for the ‘What’s Up With That?’ award!


PIGEON:

“A trip to Jenny Craig might help!”


CROW:

“Don’t you start with me! Don’t start anything that you can’t finish.” Ah…one of these days!”


GROUND HOG:

Madame
President, thanks for having the meeting downtown. It gave me a chance
to break bread with my uptown cousin. He stays over on the grounds of
Mt. Zion, a real nice place overlooking the mountains-the castle on the
hill is in the background, plenty of food and a real nice place for the
kids to play. I’m thinking about buying me one of those condos
downtown.


RABBIT:

Hey, you got
$400,000 dollars? If so, we might be able to talk to you! Old man, I’m
sorry to inform you that once again we are being locked out. What’s
that new term they’re now using? Marketable housing? What happen to
affordable housing? We have friends in high places, Right?


MS. ROBIN:

Could someone
please tell me what’s going on down here? I have not been downtown in
such a long time, and it’s changing. I see folk art, construction all
over the place, condos going up, folks that dress different than me,
and I’m confused!


CHIPMUNK:

Babygirl, where have you been? We are standing on a cultural signature for the city and the region; Pack Square Park!


PIGEON:

What?! You mean
this is going to cost 18 million dollars? If they gave me 18 million
dollars, I would go shopping. I would build some critter housing, and
put some critters to work! Then, I would put that little girl back in
her rightful place. Are any of you feeling me?


ROBIN:

That’s why I’m
uneasy because every time there is a master plan in this city, we get
bamboozled. Do you guys remember the 60s, 70s and 80s? Remember that
direct highway to the hospital down from Town Mountain? It wiped out
entire neighborhoods and moved everybody to the islands!


CHIPMUNK:

Ah Ha! One way on, and one way off!


RACCOON:

Oh! They didn’t
forget about some of us citizens. They are building a nice new single
bedroom condo for some of us, and its rent free! Let’s just say, its a
Buncombe County paid vacation.


MR. BLUE JAY:

Ms Lab, I would
personally like to commend you for your insightfulness on this matter.
Fellow critters, you are all free to go. I can’t keep you here any
longer. If some of you want to stick around and help me run this place,
I’ll give you 40 acres and a mule.


CAT:

Did Mr. Blue Jay forget to take his medicine today? He sho’nuf is talking crazy!


MS. BLACK LAB:

The Pack Square
Park is an 18 million dollar project scheduled to be completed in the
spring of 2008. It is advertised to be a project for all the people,
citizens, business owners, and visitors. It will be a project that
stretches from the Vance Monument all to the way to steps of City Hall
and the County Building.


RACCOON:

Brother Possum!
My brotha, remember back in the day when we use to sneak down here at
night? How we use the Vance monument as our diving spring board? Those
were the days!


CHIPMUNK:

Yea! You dive off it now, and you’re going to hit the real cement pond… splatter!


PUG NOSE DOG:

Yea man, we will have to scrap your hide off of the sidewalk!


MS. BLACK LAB:

Critters please, stick to the topic!


MR. GROUND HOG

(Rises to his
feet once again, knees shaking as he steadies himself on his cane): I’m
getting old and my days are numbered. All I want is a decent place to
live out my years, with good health care at a reasonable price. We have
come a long way in Asheville, but we still have a long way to go when
it concerns senior citizens, the poor, working poor, and children. I
think this park will be real nice. We could come down here at night and
have a ball. I can see it now-me sitting on a bench, and all my
grandchildren running around and having a good time! I can see James
Brown struttin’ his stuff on that there stage singin’ Papa’s got a
brand new bag.


MS. BLACK LAB:

Mr. Ground Hog, didn’t you hear the news? James Brown died on Christmas Day.


MR. GROUND HOG:

Why didn’t somebody tell me? I could have sent the family a bouquet of dandelions.


PIGEON:

Isn’t that the same story we hear from him all the time? When is he going to change his tune?


SPARROW:

Shut up and listen! You might learn something. I pity the fool that marries you!


MR. BLUE JAY:

I stand accused
of opening my mouth too much, and I hope it not a crime. If it is, I’m
guilty, of opening my mouth too much! I hope to God that I never have
to testify ‘cause if I do, everyone’s going to crryyy! Old Blue Jay is
guilty, and I just can’t help myself!”


CAT:

What in the world? Would somebody get this critter his medicine?! He’s done gone, Isaac Hayes on us!


MS. BLACK LAB:

The meeting is over. Is there any other business to attend to, critters?


MS. CROW:

Madame
Chairperson, I just received a call on my cell phone. I’m sad to report
that Ms. Field Mouse just passed away at home. Please keep her family
in your prayers.


REV. NIGHT OWL:

If it’s okay with the group, I would like to stop by and console the family.


PUG NOSE DOG:

Okay Rev, you go ahead and do your thing. ‘Cause from what I hear, you can really preach a funeral, and the critters loves you.


MS BLACK LAB:

Fellow Critters,
in March, we will have our annual Critter Award Banquet. Please prepare
yourselves for this grand occasion. Dress to impress! We will have fine
food “critter style” and it will be held at the Biltmore Estate.
Remember, we have two award categories: Best and Worst… Ms.
Schnauzer, would you like to make some closing remarks?


MINIATURE SCHNAUZER:

I have a need to
get things done! I have no permanent friends, and I have no permanent
enemies. I only have permanent interests. Great cities are known for
its artist and architect. To that effort, I’m committed to making
things happen for the public interest. There is a place for all of our
interests in the city of Asheville. If that takes removing some people
from their comfortable seat of power, so be it!

Possum look over at Raccoon, and made a silent note to set up a meeting with Ms. Miniature Schnauzer.


The meeting ended in silence. In fact, so silent you could hear a mouse pee on cotton!

Oh well!


Until the next time, take care of yourself.


Roy Harris is a country gentleman, humorist, storyteller, deacon, father, and grandfather. Mr. Harris writes in the perspective of each role.


You can contact Roy by emailing royrharris-at-gmail.com