The Backyard Critters

Roy Harris

by Roy Harris

Black Labrador, Raccoon, Possum, Blue Jay, Robin, Chipmunk, Pigeon, Cat, Pug Nose Dog, Rabbit, Squirrel, Crow, Groundhog, and Field Mouse.

Most people don’t realize it, but there is an abundance of wildlife in your backyards. If we would just slow down for a minute and take the time to look, we would see a whole different world around us. Just imagine if the animals in your backyard got together to have a meeting about the rising health care crisis — what would that meeting be like?



May I Have Your Attention Please?



The meeting was
called to order by Ms. Black Lab, and she thanked everyone for coming
together on such short notice. Immediately, Mr. Blue Jay looked over
his glasses and leaned to the side and said to the Chipmunk “Who died
and left her in charge?” He then cleared his throat and raised his hand
and asked if there was an agenda for this meeting. Ms. Black Lab said
no and stated that this is an information-gathering meeting, and
everyone would have a chance to speak.


Ms. Black Lab
stated that during her travels around the neighborhood, she had sensed
a growing concern about the rising health care cost and lack of health
care for some of the animals.


She pleaded with
Mr. Raccoon and Mr. Possum to quit raiding Mr. Harris’ trash can
because he was good enough to let us use his backyard for this meeting,
and to please clean up afterwards.

Immediately, Crow chimed in and said, “Doesn’t he have a yardman?”


Pigeon:

“Please! Ms.
Black Lab opened the floor for discussion and stated that everyone
would have a chance to speak, your turn Ms. Robin.”


Ms. Robin:

“As most of you
know, I’m a single mother with 5 babies, and that no count husband of
mine up and left me for another bird, but that’s another story for
another time. Chairman Lab, could I please move because I don’t trust
Mr. Cat! Every time I go out to feed my babies, he is always lurking in
the bushes, and he is up to no good.”


Cat:

“I have you to know that my family feeds me caviar, and I don’t like feathers with my food.”


Mr. Racoon:

“Don’t you pay
any attention to Mr. Cat… I’ll deal with him after the meeting in the
good old fashion way by opening up a can of you know what!”


Pug Nose Dog:

“The rain is
falling on my head and you can get a whoooooole lot of services at the
Mission Hospital System… By the way, my plant is closing.”


Black Lab:

“Ladies and Gentlemen, let’s stick to the subject and stop these personal attacks!”



Raccoon:

I have just
moved into the neighborhood because I was forced to. The city put an
apartment complex on my old home down on Lexington Avenue, so I’ll have
to make do the best way I know how. I don’t want to bring my kids up
having to raid trash cans. I want them to have their own territory that
has abundant food and water and excellent medical services.”


Sparrow:

“What do they
call them things? Condoooooooooos? I can’t remember the term but
they’re poppin up all over the place. By the way, do any of you live in
them? Case closed!”


Ms. Crow:

“Don’t you roll
your eyes at me! I have something I want to say… I was elected by the
people to pursue their selfish interests. Oops! Take back, say over!”


Sparrow:

“Lesson number one, engage your brain before opening your mouth!”


Field Mouse:

“I stopped by
the church last Sunday, and heard a wonderful program about how it
would help pregnant teens like me to become successful in life, and
what I need right now is not for the rest of you to condemn me for my
mistake.”


Mr. Possum:

Rises to his
feet, knees shaking as he steadies himself on his cane… “I’m getting
old and my days are numbered. All I want is a decent place to live out
my years, with good health care at a reasonable price. We have come a
long way in Asheville, but we still have a long way to go when it
concerns senior citizens and children. Thank you”


Ground Hog:

“Mr. Possum, I
feel your pain. As most of you know, I’m in the hole digging business,
and it has changed over the years. Why I remember when I first went in
this business 33 years ago, all I had to do was fill out some cards and
give them to the nurse at the plant, and I was covered 100 percent —
medical, vision, and prescription.”


“Just yesterday,
I had to sit through an hour long presentation from some slick talker
from headquarters telling me that I needed to take charge of my health
coverage and get this, at a higher cost. Go Figure! I better sit down
before I say something not becoming of a deacon.”


Pug Nose Dog:

“Amen brother…
you tell them! I’m Aggie born, Aggie bred, and when I die, I will be
Aggie dead. Back in the old days, we wouldn’t just sit around talking
about it, we would…”


Blue Jay:

“What’s that got to do with the subject?”


Field Mouse:

“Hey! Did
anybody attend the NAACP banquet last week? I had to sneak in! I
understand Mr. Damore did a nice job. Maybe we’ll have a friend in high
places. Lord, wouldn’t it be a blessing!”


Squirrel:

“I don’t want to
change the subject, but it’s getting a little cold outside, and I’m too
busy collecting food for the winter. So, I don’t have time to waste
coming to meetings, but I will go along with what ever you all come up
with. I’m sorry that I feel this way, but I have heard it all before.”


Chipmunk:

“What ever
happened to that nice doctor that used to run the clinic on the Block?
I can’t remember his name, but he was nice to us, just too bad his
funding ran out. Just goes to show they really don’t care about us.
They talk a good game!”


…The meeting
ended at 7:00 a.m., and Ms. Black Lab instructed all parties to go back
into the neighborhood and talk to others about the issues and come back
to the next meeting to brainstorm ideas and offer solutions to the
problem.


Now, don’t you
fret! If you didn’t make this edition of the “Backyard Critters”
meeting, there is more to come! If you keep on acting the way you do,
I’m sure that you will be represented in these pages sooner than you
think! You take care of yourself, and as time moves on, the Critters
will take on other hot topics!


Roy Harris is a
columnist, humorist, storyteller and folklorist, and holds a degree in
Industrial Engineering from A&T State University.