Dear Sista Girl:
I consistently find myself dating misogynous males.
The relationship doesn’t start out that way, but it does slowly morph into a very oppressive relationship. How can I avoid these types of men?
Dear Misogynist Attractor,
Kudos to you for realizing that you have established a pattern that is neither productive nor healthy for you.
One of the first things I’m going to suggest is that you pause before you get involved in any more relationships. So I’m hoping that you are single right now and able to do some work on yourself. Self-care is crucial, beloved.
First, identify a counselor a therapist or a really good friend who’s going to call you on your BS when they see it rising to serve as your accountability buddy. Have a good brainstorming session about what you do want in a mate. When you find yourself speaking of what you don’t want, stop yourself from that behavior. Begin to speak into existence what it is that you would like to have. Thoughts become things and you must choose wisely.
If you struggle with the concept of therapy, you must do some work on yourself, so I suggest seeking out some self-paced guides, (great ones can be found on The Daily Om) and do some self-exploring as to why you attract this type of partner. There are some great self-guided lessons that can be downloaded for less than $5 to begin your journey of self-exploration. And once you’ve completed one of these activities and you go back and read over your responses, the root to so much of your pain and poor choices may emerge. If so, do pay attention and continue to do the work so you don’t make the same mistakes in the future. Self-awareness is key for improving anything in our own lives. At this point hopefully you have located a counselor or therapist.
After you’ve had a really good talk with someone, create a “Do want” list of what you expect to find in a mate. Stick specifically to what it is that you want.
As you’re creating this list think about the type of man that you do want in your life. Next you have to get out there to find the type of man you desire.
Generate a little quiz that will give you a heads-up of where a man might be on your misogynist spectrum. If you do not like the way they respond to a particular question that may raise a red flag, pay attention and move on to the next one. Often times in relationships we ignore red flags only to have them glare at us as we depart the relationship months or years later.
When seeking to meet a man, place yourself in locations where you will find men that you are attracted to. If you’re looking for a man who is sensitive to women’s issues, then when you go out, go to events centered on women. Those are the men that you want to plug into and establish connections with.
At the end of the day you teach people how to treat you and you attract and select what comes into your circle.
Be blessed and keep me updated when you have found your dream man.
Love, Sista Girl
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Note: The opinions stated here are not intended to replace any services from professional providers, authorities, and/or legal counsel.