Ask Sista Girl – January 2019

Dear Sista Girl:

A friend recently stated that her daughter was told by her boyfriend that: “You are not going to be anything. You won’t make it.”

I could not help but ask myself, why does this young sista’ feel she must remain in a unhealthy relationship?

When my friend asked her daughter about this comment, the daughter responded that her boyfriend is under stress and he didn’t mean it. Well, my thoughts were that he could have as easily said “You will be successful. You will make it — and I’m with you.”

My Sista, do not devalue yourself!

What does a de-valued mindset look like?

“He does not tell me how nice I look or how much he wants to be with me much anymore. But at least he doesn’t hit me, so when he speaks unkind to me, he doesn’t mean it.”

“So what if he is seeing other women? He spends most of his time with me, so that is okay. I am his main woman.”

“I’m helping him pay his bills and he likes that, so that means he knows we are a team. He doesn’t make enough to help me with my bills, but I know he would if he could.”

Come to your senses and get a grip; you are not desperate! You are valuable and deserve respect.

My grandmother would share this thought with me, “Do not expect respect from others if you do not demonstrate respect for yourself.”

Allowing a male to belittle you and/or dismiss you by not introducing you to his friends and family; only visiting when he is seeking sexual intimacy; not pursuing you with special gifts—“just because”—and not encouraging you is an indication that you are not headed in the right direction for a healthy relationship. I don’t care how good he looks, or how long you’ve been without someone—this is not a person you want to spend your valuable time with.

Here is a nugget: If you must ask yourself, “Is he the one?,” he is probably not the one.

Just because you love someone or miss that person is not necessarily an indication that you need to be with that person. What has he added to your life? What is he bringing to the table? I am a traditional girl and have noticed that men pursuing women is a lost art because many women have devalued themselves so much there is nothing left to pursue. Sex occurs before a relationship is developed, paying his bills, letting him drive your car [because he has no car nor a plan to get one], buying him clothes, paying for “dates” from your wallet, “lending” him money, etc. STOP!

If he shows no sign of improving his financial situation to become a man of integrity, accountability, credibility—then run! Call it off! If you continue this enabling, you are disrespecting yourself and definitely not helping him. If you expect disrespect, he will offer you disrespect.

You are a queen, a woman of value. My sista’, you are beautiful, smart, intelligent, innovative, and worthy of God’s best for you.

~ Sista Girl



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Note: The opinions stated here are not intended to replace any services from professional providers, authorities, and/or legal counsel.


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