Experiencing Grief – Part II

By Dr. Sharon Kelly-West –

Last month I wrote about this season of my life as I experienced grief due to the sudden death of my beloved husband, Richard.

I have been learning, and continue to learn, how to navigate through this.

Grief is personal; therefore what works for me may not fully work for your journey. I am hopeful there is something you can take from this that will make your journey less stressful and lift some of the weight from your soul. What follows is a series of steps that I have followed.

Journal

I purchased a special notebook to use as a journal. Initially, I wrote a letter to Richard about how I was experiencing great sorrow and how much I missed him. I described to him how, with the mention of his name or even thoughts of him, I would cry. I made sure to write the date for each entry. Writing letters as often as I chose proved to be very cathartic to me.

I placed no pressure on myself to write something every day. At the three-month mark, I reviewed my journal entries. The comparisons of entries from the first month with those of the third were eye opening. Though painful and seemingly at a snail’s pace, the healing process was evident.

As I write this, I have just completed month six. The entries at month six are clearer, more concise, and have more depth, mostly concerning business decisions and applying what he taught me. I can see in my writings how much I have stabilized emotionally since month three.

I would suggest reading your entries at the 3-month, 6-month, and 1-year intervals. This could enlighten you concerning your personal healing process over time. At first, I could not see past that day, but as I read my entries, I now realize I am overcoming to become who I am for this moment.

Find a Grief Support Group

Most hospice organizations offer bereavement services to the community, usually at no cost and regardless of the cause of death. Call your local hospice organization, and reach out to the national organization Grief Share (www.griefshare.org). Their course is offered face to face or online. I attended face to face for the entirety of the 13-week course and it was wonderful.

Initially, I did not want to attend. I presumed, and was concerned, that they would say, “Tell me about Richard.” At that point I felt that responding would chip away at who he was to me and who we were to each other. I wanted no one to have access to that space. But they did not ask that question at all. Eventually, perhaps at class 4, I spoke of Richard, freely and proudly as his wife.

There is no fee to attend Grief Share. There is a workbook that is optional for a small fee.

Return Calls From Friends and Relatives

It’s fine for the calls to go to voicemail, but try not to remain silent. Return the calls. These people—your private support group—are willing to listen and want you to know they are standing with you through this.

I will tell you that for me, “Silence has never been so loud.” The more I kept to myself, the sadder and more reclusive I became. Perhaps around month three, I forced myself to attend events I was invited to. You do not need to accept all invitations, but pick a couple that you feel less awkward attending. This will prove helpful on this journey.

And remember—if you need to leave early from an event, do it! Grief is no respecter of persons; it can hijack even the most pleasant of moments. The waves of grief come, and they go: and over time, they don’t linger long and they don’t show up as often.

Eat

Initially, I would go all day and not eat or drink anything: I did not miss it. I realized I needed to eat and drink water to maintain my wellness, whether I wanted to or not. Initially I could not go to restaurants to eat, and I lost any desire to prepare food in the kitchen, where I always looked forward to preparing meals for my husband. My son shared information about ordering pre-packaged meals, and while they were great, and effortless, I did not even have the motivation to prepare them.

Instead I chose “take out” (I was not ready to sit in a restaurant alone). Sometime around month three, however, I decided to invite a dear friend—someone who loves to eat—over for dinner. That visit motivated me on to get to the kitchen and serve someone who would not pass up a good meal.

Find a Counselor

I researched grief counselors who could help me on this strange path during this new season in my life. I chose Better Help (betterhelp.com), an organization that assisted me in finding a great match based on what I was looking for in a counselor. Options are face-to-face or video sessions.

Month Six

I have traveled to several locations we planned to travel together in 2025. Did I look forward to following through on these plans without him? No. I made myself do it. Why? He was adventurous and he would want me to “represent” us.

Action Steps

As you may have noticed, these are all action steps. These have worked for me and continue to work for me. I realized that I am not alone—I realized that I am alive. I realized that even in my pain, the world keeps turning. I have been punted into my next season—ready or not.

And I now feel ready to “enter in” to whatever is in store for me. One day at a time.

Please note, even if your loved one passed away years ago, it is ok to initiate any or all of these action steps on your journey to healing. In the words of the great philosopher, Winnie the Pooh, “You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”

Dr. Sharon Kelly-West serves as Nurse Manager of Women Veteran Services at the Charles George VA Medical Center; Bioethics and the Law adjunct faculty at Mars Hill University; and Applied Ethics adjunct faculty at Asheville-Buncombe Community College. She is a graduate of Winston Salem State University, earned her master’s degree at Western Carolina University, and received her doctorate from Albany Medical College.