When Home is Not a Place of Safety

These are the words you have been waiting to hear: You are loved, and you are worthy of love.

There may be someone who is telling you otherwise. They might be shouting at you, or angry. Home might be a dangerous place for you right now. Support is available. You don’t have to go through this alone.

People struggling with mental illness are facing additional challenges right now. Dealing with stressful situations can be almost impossible for some people. They may take out their feelings of fear and frustration on you, your children, or even your pets.

People with strong narcissistic, sociopathic, and psychopathic tendencies are unwilling or unable to resolve conflicts or participate in discussion in a healthy, mature manner. A regular, well-intentioned person is usually willing to work through problems or issues, while a narcissistic person wants to win, dominate, and get what they want, oftentimes at the expense of other people’s well-being.

Narcissists are dishonest, deceptive, and morally corrupt, and often accuse others of being dishonest, deceptive, and morally corrupt.

When narcissists feel hurt or angered, they will try to intimidate or manipulate you in order to hurt you. Engaging with a person who uses these tactics is fruitless, frustrating, boring, and predictable. Don’t fool yourself by thinking, “If only I explained myself better,” or, “If only they could understand where I’m coming from,” and so on. If you are willing to discuss problems or issues, it’s not you.

They are not interested in, and often not even capable of, resolving a conflict. They don’t care about sound arguments, honesty, empathy, curiosity, or compromise. They might claim that they are all about that, but if you look at how they act it’s evident that they are not.

Once you realize that you’re dealing with someone who is not really interested in conflict resolution or finding truth, you can take the steps needed to protect yourself.

Tips to manage conflict

Narcissists say provocative and nasty things to get a response from you. Usually they do it because they feel angered or insulted by something you have done and want to start a fight. Or, they may be anxious or angry about something else entirely and are taking it out on you. Here are a few ways you can avoid a fight.

Do not argue about right or wrong. Narcissists cannot admit that they are wrong because they rely on the unrealistic idea that they are perfect to support their shaky self-esteem. They are bullies who must preserve their sense of superiority.

It is extremely soothing to narcissists when you tell them that you understand and empathize with how they feel. Say something like, “You must have felt very (hurt, angry, disappointed) when I (fill in the blank). I totally understand your feeling that way.” Do not say anything about how the situation makes you feel, or anything about you at all unless it is an apology. They are not interested. Unfair, yes, but it works!

Narcissists grew up in homes where admitting being at fault led to being devalued, ridiculed, or punished. Take responsibility for the situation. Say something like, “So sorry. I realize now that I could have done (whatever) better. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.” Don’t say, “You always take what I say the wrong way!”

Narcissists cannot accept blame, but react well if you use the word “we” instead of “you.” Remind them that you love them and want to make up. Let them know invested you are in making the relationship work. Don’t say, “You can’t treat me this way. I expect an apology.” (You won’t get an apology, just a longer fight).

Ask a question about a topic that interests them. Narcissists love to display their knowledge and will happily talk for hours with just a bit of encouragement. Say something like, “You know so much about (pick a topic), I was wondering about (that topic) and I was sure you would know the answer.” Narcissists love to give advice.

Put aside all the things you now dislike about them and only pay attention to what you do like and admire about them. Tell them how great they are in as much detail as possible. Say something like, “I just remembered something that you did last week that I was so impressed by. Do you remember (something they did that you admired)? How did you ever manage that? No one but you could have pulled that off!”

Please Note: All of the these tips focus on catering to your unstable partners needs. This is not about fairness or an opinion about how a relationship should work. These are simply ways that might help your day get back on track when things are rapidly turning into a pointless and exhausting fight.

It’s a common misconception that narcissists love themselves. They actually dislike themselves immensely. Their inflated self-flattery, perfectionism, and arrogance are merely covers. Emotionally, they’re dead inside, although they hunger to be filled and validated by others. Sadly, they’re unable to appreciate the love they do get and alienate those who give it.

It will never help to argue, or to match their self-centered and abusive behavior. There is no way to make them be a better person, or more secure, or trusting, or less mean, nasty, or angry. You may be deeply in love, or think that your partner can and will change. They are, and always will be, illogical. The best you can do is manipulate the situation so that you get more of what you want with fewer fights.

In a normal, loving relationship, each person can speak openly and honestly, expect to be treated fairly, and know that their partner cares about how they feel. That is what you deserve. Be open to the idea that you can do better. Envision a future without them and their endless drama, blame, and punishment. You deserve better.

Don’t be afraid to reach out. If you or someone you know needs help, call the NAMI helpline at 800-950-NAMI. Or in a crisis, text “NAMI” to 741741.

For more information on toxic relationships, go to www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships.