Experiencing Grief

By Dr. Sharon Kelly-West –

For many years, I have addressed the topic of death and dying to audiences across the globe, even being invited by the government of Barbados.

I have spoken about culturally appropriate approaches to end-of-life care to medical residents, nursing students, social work audiences, national conferences and various faith groups.

I have woven tenets of cultural humility into my discussions as we addressed medical professionals talking less and listening more as the emotionally wounded share their stories of healing or their journey to healing.

Yet with all the knowledge and experience I had gained over the years, I must admit that when grief showed up unannounced and without an invitation over six months ago, my world stood still.

I was familiar with grief due to the death of my mother in 2022 and the unexpected death of my brother in 2015. But the unexpected death of my husband—after just one year, one month and seven days of marriage—this past February was simply surreal.

I will admit that through this, my journey to healing has been a spiritual one. This journey has involved a mixture of introspection, fear, courage, sadness, love, and gratefulness. Somehow, I have not experienced anger, though anger is quite a common sign during grief.

Initially, the most overpowering emotion was sadness. Six months later, the emotion that for the most part has displaced the sadness is gratefulness. Simple gratitude.

I am grateful that our paths were allowed to cross. I am grateful that when he asked me to marry him, I knew he was my forever love and was honored to say “yes.” I am grateful that he was able to ask my mother for my hand in marriage.  I am grateful that we told each other every day “I love you.”

I admit that it takes less resistance to lean towards sadness, but when gratefulness surfaces, it commands attention.

As I continue to share on death and dying practices with varied audiences, my husband and the Divine have given me more depth from which to speak.

There are those who are also experiencing grief and I am the first to say, “You cannot go around it, you must go through it.” I asked a dear friend, Maceo Keeling, whose wife died after an illness years ago, “Maceo, this gets better, right?” His response: “It gets different.”

I also recall a person sharing with me after my brother died unexpectedly, “You don’t get over it, you get through it.” Personally, I feel stronger, more confident—a warrior of sorts. I view myself as being adorned with a badge of honor to have been married to this wonderful man. Time is not important: what is important is how deep we loved each other every single day. I am so grateful to have been chosen to experience this. Yes, Maceo is right, my life is different now.  I view experiences differently, I view creation differently, I view who I am differently.

Initially, I was clueless as how to answer those who genuinely would ask me “How are you?” I simply learned to say, “I cannot answer that question.” It was the truth. Then, I could not say “I am fine,” because I was not.

Now when I am asked, I can truthfully say “I am becoming.” It is a beautiful yet deep spiritual journey because I have learned to yield to whatever will be my ultimate purpose because of this. Trust me, there is one.

For those of you who are grieving—whether due to an unexpected transition or preparing for an imminent transition of a loved one due to illness—know you are not alone. You will get through this. And remember, the key word is going through this.

Next …. What has helped me most on the journey to overcoming and becoming.

Dr. Sharon Kelly-West serves as Nurse Manager of Women Veteran Services at the Charles George VA Medical Center; Bioethics and the Law adjunct faculty at Mars Hill University; and Applied Ethics adjunct faculty at Asheville-Buncombe Community College. She is a graduate of Winston Salem State University, earned her master’s degree at Western Carolina University, and received her doctorate from Albany Medical College.