Ask Sista Girl – June 2016

Sista Girl:

I am 26 years of age and I am in love with a wonderful man who is 35 and has been married before, and he shares custody of two teen children. He treats me so well and we are into each other.

By the way, he asked me to marry him and I am so excited. However, I am discouraged about continuing this relationship because he is much older and has been previously married, and I have not. I feel if we love each other, nothing else matters. I have not given him an answer yet, but am leaning towards “yes.” Am I missing something here?

My Sista:

Your great question, “Am I missing something here?” could possibly suggest he may be excited by attracting a younger woman; and you could be excited that a “mature” man wants to take care of you. Only the two of you know what is faith, foolishness, or presumptions in this relationship.

If you have dated for less than a year, I do recommend dating longer—at least 18 months—before marriage. List characteristics that you like about him and characteristics you don’t, and have him do the same. Share your list with each other, and make sure the feelings are genuine and not just lust. You both may have found a “soulmate” in each other.

Here are some things to consider:

Do you trust him? Does he trust you? Should he see you speaking with male friends your age (or any age), would he not like it?

Does he have a stable income, and where does he work? How long has he worked there? Who are his friends—and his family? What relationship does he have with his ex-wife? Is she a drama queen? You really don’t want to deal with any “baby-mama drama!”

What does he think about paying bills and cost sharing? Or, does he want to be the only person paying the bills and making decisions? What does his credit look like? What does your credit look like? Share credit report scores (this is free). Just remember, if you marry him he will be paying child support monthly for each teen child. This is money that would have otherwise been used in your household after marriage—and it could be significant.

On this same note, how important is it for him to know your desire to have children (if this is the case)? Does he want children with you? He may not be that excited about having any more children, as he has experienced this in a prior marriage.

You should inquire about his sexuality. I would also inquire with him to see if he has been tested for HIV; you should also reveal your result as well. You may want to get an HIV test together—do you see where I am going? You don’t want any surprises because you failed to inquire. In some instances, no information will be volunteered or shared; therefore asking is essential.

This may seem awkward, but ask, “Do you desire to have sex with men occasionally?” You must ask; and be transparent with him concerning your sexual preference as well. Sometimes people have fantasies they choose to hide, but remain active in a heterosexual relationship on the “down low.”

Did you also realize that when you are 36, he will be 45? When you are 45, he will be 54; and are you okay with this? Are you an active person and like to be on the go? “There’s an old saying that goes, “Age ain’t nothing but a number”; but the older people get (more often than not), the more they get settled in their ways. Living a comfortable life means doing much of nothing. These are questions you should ponder with regard to your age difference.

These questions may appear a tad deep—but marriage is deep. Romance (Eros) will wax and wane; therefore it is essential that you are transparent with each other. The goal here is unconditional love (agape). This builds trust and helps to work through challenging times as you work forward into the good times.

My grandmother would say, “The way a man treats his mother is an indication of how he will treat you.” So, be observant and pray for direction and wisdom. If you love each other and are friends first … then it’s easier to follow the desires of your heart.

Peace, my Sista

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Note: The opinions stated here are not intended to replace any services from professional providers, authorities, and/or legal counsel.