Helping Those Who Are Grieving

By Dr. Sharon K. West –

“And when great souls die, after a period, peace blooms, slowly and always irregularly. Spaces fill with a kind of soothing electric vibration. Our senses, restored, never to be the same, whisper to us. They existed. We can be. Be and be better. For they existed.” ~ Dr. Maya Angelou

My last two columns addressed, respectively, the grief journey and actions to take towards self-healing. The final column on this topic is focusing on thoughts on how best to support those who are grieving.

Thoughts

“How can I help ________ during this difficult time?”

“What do I say to ________during this tremendous loss?”

“What if I say the wrong thing?”

“I don’t want to bother her/him so I will wait until s/he reaches out to me.”

“S/He has a lot of family and friends; I will wait until there are fewer people around before I call or visit.”

“I’m sure s/he wants to be left alone; there have been so many people visiting and calling. I will wait.”

Words

“God needed an angel in heaven, so He took your loved one.”

“I understand what you are going through, my ________ died and it hurt so bad.”

“We are going through the same grief.”

“Cry for now, but then move on … you will get over it.”

“At least you had time with them, it wasn’t a sudden death.”

“It was all so sudden, bless your heart. Was s/he sick? What are you going to do?”

One of the most difficult situations is the helplessness felt while witnessing the grieving process of a person you are close to. Next in difficulty is attempting to converse with that person who is actively and visibly grieved. To be honest, there are no words to express at the beginning of grief, because the absence of that loved one is so overwhelming that words coming from others are not really heard. Grief, simply put, highjacks the senses for a moment.

I so appreciate the text messages, the emails, the cards. As for me, after perhaps two weeks, the calls from others significantly diminished, the text messages continued, as did the comfort poems via text, the calls to arrange a visit with me or to take me to dinner or lunch or have a meal delivered … just stopped.

We all grieve differently, but for me, hearing a voice from someone means the most. The voice from a friend represents being present for me. The calls to say to me “I was thinking of you and wanted to call to check in with you.” Or, as my friend Kay Clark still says, so often, “I am breathing with you.” Or my friend Maceo Keeling calls to say, “You good? If I don’t hear from you, I’m driving down there.”

My friend Rich, says, “I am thinking of you. I want you to go to a play with me then we will have dinner.” My dear friend Donna, walks with me, listens to me as I share how I am learning life lessons on this journey, and will occasionally show up with a tin of her awesome chocolate chip cookies. How can I thank my dear sweet friend Diane for saying, “Let’s get away to Cancun for a week.” [I made myself go and I am so glad I did.]

As for me, presence (socialization) speaks volumes to me. What I am saying is, silence has never seemed so loud as it is on this grief journey. I needed and still need to hear your voice. I am becoming and healing, and this helps me on the journey. If I don’t answer the phone at that moment, I will listen to your voice message and will call back within a certain period. But I will hear your voice—and that is like a healing balm for me.

Support

In response to the thoughts mentioned early on.

“What do I say to ________during this tremendous loss?”

Response: Sometimes saying nothing speaks the loudest. Just show up in person. “I am coming over to visit you between _____ and _____ on Friday. I don’t plan to stay a long time, but I want to see you and you see me. I got you. You don’t have to speak at all, but I want to see you.”

“What can I do to support him/her and to encourage?”

Response: “I am here for you.” I am off on Wednesday; I will make you soup or bring a salad.” “I want to come wash clothes for you or do the dishes for you while you rest.” “I am bringing you a fresh bouquet of flowers.”

“What if I say the wrong thing?”

Response: Reflect on the “words” section in this article and practice not saying these statements.

“I don’t want to bother her/him so I will wait until she/he reaches out to me.”

Response: The bereaved person is strong enough to say, “I am not receiving guests right now, but may I take a rain check for you to come in a few weeks. Will you call me in the meantime?” Do not get offended, this is a journey for that friend; protecting personal space that was once shared by the deceased person is being guarded.

“S/He has a lot of family and friends; I will wait until there are fewer people around before I call or visit.”

Response: People tend to stop visitations and significantly decrease phone calls within the first 10 to 14 days after the death, including family members. Call and/or visit.

“I am sure s/he wants to be left alone; there have been so many people visiting and calling. I will wait.”

Response: Not true. Even if there have been many calls and visitors, those numbers tend to drop off quickly after about 10-14 days—and then the person is left alone to face silence within the home that was once occupied by that loved one.

I am blessed to have encouragers in my life who stepped up and reminded me of the love Richard and I had together, and who even thanked me for allowing them to witness such love.

It has been nine months now, and I now have regained a sense of self to reflect on those who have “stepped up” week after week, month after month since February 2, reaching out to me to check on me. I write notes to them or will send a message saying, “I just want to thank-you for being present for me.”

One More Thing

Try to refrain from these statements: “Can I get you anything?” Is there anything you need?” “How are you doing?” “Call me if you need me.”

Personally, I still cannot answer these questions. Personally, I doubt seriously if I will call you. I don’t know what I need. I have no words for how I am feeling. We will simply say, “No, I am ok,” or “I am ok.” We are not ok, for the most part, but we don’t know the answers to those questions. It is stressful to even attempt to answer them

Answers will come but not today. I have received so much help from my counselor and spiritual leaders that I am comfortable confiding in. I am coming through this and becoming whole again.

Thank you for your patience with those who are on this journey. We look forward to being—in the words of Marvin Sapp—“stronger, wiser, better, so much better.”

I hope these articles have been helpful. Pass this on to others.

Dr. Sharon K. West is a retired registered nurse and clinical ethicist, a professional presenter on health and wellness topics, a freelance columnist, and creator of the “Vital Signs” podcast which is found on most major platforms.