Ask Sista Girl – July 2016

Sista Girl:

I’ve been in a loveless marriage for over 30 years, and there is nothing worth salvaging from this marriage—period. The children are grown and on their own, so that’s not an issue. But they won’t leave, and I’m not leaving either! I feel we’re both in a stand-off, with each of us not wanting the other to take anything tangible (assets), or embarrassed to let people know the marriage isn’t working—and hadn’t for many years.

In speaking with others, I find I’m not the only person caught up in a loveless marriage and playing the “waiting-game.”

Is this what is meant by the old saying, “It’s cheaper to keep her?”

What went awry?

Dear Loveless,

Thirty-plus years is a long time to be loveless from day #1. Sometimes in a long-term relationship, such as marriage, one person outgrows the other. Perhaps, each takes the other for granted. Sadly, the same thing it took to get the woman or man is the same thing it takes to keep him or her. Sometimes, it is decided that for the sake of well-being emotionally, it is time to separate and get couple’s counseling for a period. Personally, first and foremost, prayer for guidance is key for me—concerning all matters.

It sounds as if you are no longer willing, nor is she willing, to make this [marriage] work. Sometimes mediation is very helpful to sort out next steps if you both are mutually agreeable to stop the “hemorrhaging.”

My mental health means much more to me as I get older and “things” take a lesser priority over my joy. I cannot learn more of who I am and what my purpose is if I am not joyful. I choose joyful as the preferred word because “happy” is based on “happenings”—and happenings come and go and are sometimes fickle. Joy comes from a place deep within.

I would propose that you sit and share with your children individually, then have a family meeting to share the mutual decision. You don’t need their permission, but you want them to know the separation (or divorce) is not their fault but a mutual realization. They probably already know the path this is headed for and has probably known for a long time.

I don’t know the full context of “It’s cheaper to keep her,” but I can share that you should weigh what means more to you—your sanity, or material things. When it comes to being joyful and grateful every day, I ain’t taking no prisoners.

I was told, whatever is meant for you cannot enter your life, if there is old baggage blocking the way. I heard that loud and clear and because of that realization, I am more free than I have felt in many, many years.

Pray for peace and direction my brother.

~ Sista Girl

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Note: The opinions stated here are not intended to replace any services from professional providers, authorities, and/or legal counsel.