Cathy James.  Photo: Norrid Ross
Cathy James. Photo: Norrid Ross

Chatting with Cathy – July 2013

by Cathy James

This is not about the progression from birth to adulthood.

There comes a time when you’ve graduated from high school, gone to college or work, married, divorced, and/or birthed and reared children. Maybe you’ve started caring for an older or younger generation. PAUSE. At some point, you need to slow down and reassess your life. Have you done the things you want to do? Not the things for everyone else . . . the things you enjoy.

Being a recent empty nester, I realized that I am all grown up now and can do for me. Even though I am still paying tuition for my youngest daughter, I am on my own. I started piano lessons, writing, enjoying the opera and other Broadway shows, traveling solo, and following my heart. I continue to read and watch sports. My second career is around the corner. The first one was for my family; the next one is for me.

Advice

Once you go from married with children to solo or with a significant other, people need to find interests that do not involve their children. Couples, what kept you together previously may not sustain your relationship now. Some people find that they really don’t like their spouse when the children leave. Time will only widen the gap.

So date again. Take long walks and have even longer talks. Are you in or out? Living separately under the same roof should not be an option. Don’t squander what you have left by living in the past with regrets. Remember, you’re not stuck with a person until you’re dead and they’re buried on top of you.

Everyone needs stimulation: mental, physical, emotional, and sexual. If you find yourself looking for intimacy with another warm body or battery-operated device, seeking intelligent, interesting conversations with someone else or talking to yourself, hugging yourself, you are not with the right person. If you can’t talk to your significant other about your joys, pains, or stresses, you’re in your own hell. I always say that if I have to do everything for myself, I will be by myself.

In the end if you find that your current significant other is still your soul mate; explore each other as well as common and separate interests with newness and vigor. Live your life to the fullest – not foolishly.

If you are caring for an older generation, spread the wealth. Share the responsibilities with other siblings, an adult daycare, or in-home nurse. You must take some time to rest and rejuvenate. If it is a younger generation, use a sitter, mommy’s day out, or full-time daycare so you can engage in adult conversations and/or activities.

Do not surrender your entire life. Enjoy it.


This advice is given strictly for entertainment purposes only. Email me at [email protected]. Your email will be answered, but please indicate whether you would like your story shared or not.